I Have None

I’m in Europe, on family business. My mother came to New York City to help Adrian with Martin, and I departed JFK, bound for Heathrow and then Germany.

Saturday, before I left, Martin was symptomatic. I won’t go into the symptoms. By now you know them.

Getting a few days’ distance from Martin usually does me well, in terms of perspective and rejuvenation. Nevertheless, leaving him is heart-wrenching, and I want everything to be perfect. I want him to be having the best day ever, so that I can think, Everything’s under control. I can be away.

Saturday I left thinking, Everything’s a disaster. I have no right to leave when he needs me here. Probably I’m just going to make things worse.

Please don’t look for a point to this post. I have none.

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2 thoughts on “I Have None

  1. I’m not sure if this is public because it’s my first post, and I’m unfamiliar, but….. even though you have no point here, i will say that the whole orientation towards needing everything to be under control during every transition, and the ensuing anxiety at every deviation from the routine, every break from your usual duties, is normal, and is a result of living a life of such intense adherence to a particular protocol/regimen. I wanted to point this out so that maybe you can consider, and then in doing so maybe you can cognitively override the process about control, if it might help alleviate the tension here for you. Just know it is normal and to be expected.

    • Control. What a tough issue! I’ve always been a person who likes to be in control, and feeling like my son is beyond my reach heightens that desire. On the other hand, when we have a good day, as we had today, I relax and think that not everything needs to be perfect.

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