Here are some things I’ve heard about Newtown—I guess we just say Newtown now—that may or may not be true. I heard that the shooter had autism, or some form of ASD. I heard that his mother tussled with the school district about his special education. I heard that she encouraged her son to “fit in.”
I thought, How terrible. How could the mother of a child with special needs tell him to do precisely that of which he is incapable—to fit in?
I thought, I would never do that to Martin. He is who he is. I will not chisel away his self-esteem by telling him to be like other kids, when he can’t.
As a child, I was boyish. There was no dress-up or experimentation with make-up for me. I had short hair; I preferred jeans to skirts or dresses or even slacks; I played sports and climbed trees; I didn’t mind when strangers mistook me for a boy, which they often did. Like other boyish girls, I faced persistent pressure to change, mostly from adult females, well meaning or otherwise. (“I can’t believe you’re not getting this right,” the art teacher chided, when used too little adhesive on my papier-mâché project. “You’re just always so messy.”) The effect was that I didn’t like myself. I believed that I should be girlish, but I wasn’t. That just wasn’t me. And so who I was—wasn’t right.
I’ve been determined not to tell Martin that he isn’t right. Martin should fit in with other kids only as much as he wants to or is ready for. That’s an easy call.
Still, Newtown and the rumors surrounding it got me thinking: Are there other instances when I tell Martin to do what he’s not (yet?) capable of?
There are. About fifty million per day.
“Martin, pay attention.”
“Martin, stop dawdling.”
“Martin, look at me.”
“Martin, no repeating. Say it only once.”
“Martin, hurry up.”
“Martin, walk like a big boy.”
“Martin, just go to the front hall and put the shoes on.”
The hard part is figuring out when Martin is just playing me. Example: Bedtime. Martin insists that I do his bedtime routine: potty, supplements, teeth brushing, reading, tuck-in. He’ll agree to take his bath for someone else (say, Adrian or Samara), but bedtime is all Mommy. In fact, Martin is so fixated on bedtime with me that perseverates on continual reassurance. Within five minutes of waking each morning, he has said, “Sleepy-time with Mommy!” at least once. He says it throughout breakfast and while he gets ready for school. It’s one of the first statements I hear when I pick him up from school: “Sleepy-time with you, Mommy!” Anytime that he senses I am about to leave, even if only to go to the bathroom, he becomes agitated and says, “Sleepy-time with you! Sleepy-time with you!”
On vacation last week, Adrian and I went out to dinner and left Martin with my parents. As soon as Martin realized that Adrian and I were leaving, he began to scream and cry. “I want to go to dinner, too. Sleepy-time with you, Mommy! Sleepy-time with Mommy!” He threw himself dramatically to the floor, grabbed Adrian’s foot with his right hand and my foot with his left hand. “You’re not going to go out! You’re going to stay here!”
Within five minutes I received a text message from my mother: “Everything fine here. Martin calm.” When we returned home later, I learned that Martin had done his entire bedtime routine and gone to sleep without complaint.
On the one hand, I know that Martin’s ASD and accompanying fixations make him cling to routines, and I need to indulge that. On the other hand, Martin wants me to indulge him, and he exploits my willingness to do so. When it comes to keeping pace and hurrying up, Martin is a heckuva lot more cooperative if he’s excited about where we’re going. Getting from our apartment to the school bus? It’s a ten-minute process. Getting from our apartment to the playground? He’s moving faster than I am. Am I wrong to tell him to hurry up and focus for the school bus? Same with meals. If the plate is beef bites with fermented cauliflower, I have to repeat some variation of, “Maybe you could take a bite?” at least two dozen times, or even just spoon it into him myself. A bowl of gluten-free oats with butternut squash and coconut oil goes down his throat like bathwater through the drain. Am I wrong to tell him to hurry up and focus on eating the beef?
One of my first reactions to Newtown was, “Thank God the shooter killed his mother first. It was an act of mercy; how could she have gone on?”
Looking back, I think that reaction—it was a gut reaction, and I am not saying that the Newtown shooter’s mother had anything to do with what happened on December 14; I know almost nothing about the circumstances—was my conscience expressing the responsibility I feel for Martin’s future. However far biomedical recovery takes us, I am the one who has to help Martin learn to live in the world and still love himself.
I believe that the “Newtown Mother” does bear a great responsibility in this case, and it has nothing in the world to do with the question of Autism. Any parent who provides easy access to firearms shares responsibility in the consequences of how those firearms are used.
We don’t have firearms in our home and we never will. (Big bad world, come and get us! We’re defenseless.) Your comment raises an interesting question: Should we allow Martin to visit homes that do keep firearms? I know of at least one playmate whose father has a gun locker in the basement. I am coming around more to the view that, however much that parent trusts his child, I don’t necessarily trust mine, and it may well be that he should not play there any longer.
I read your blog a year at and made a comment about kenji yoshino’s covering. We had somewhat different views about autism and acceptance then. It is a year later and this Newtown posts makes me think the same things. I don’t understand how the language and idea of ‘cure’ and ‘recovery’ is consistent with teaching our kids to love and accept themselves as they are. I don’t doubt your sincerity. But for me, I want to help my kid but not cure him. I really think autism is a big part of who he is. For me, lots of therapies are great and work well – but they are seeking to assist and not tomfundamentally alter my kid. I like my son autistic and I like other family members of mine autistic. I would encourage you to check out grasp.org and watch the video there – it is a very smart introduction to how functioning autistic adults feel about this question. If we want our kids to be happy adults, I think we need to listen to these adult voices first and formost. My hopes are the same as yours and I know we are all just trying to do the best by our kids.
this is just a brief thought on your son’s reluctance to eat beef: maybe he is vegan @ heart… (it’s a myth that kids need meat. they, too, can thrive on a vegan diet as long as it is well-balance and contains lots of the green leafy stuff. ;-))
Corinna, I hope, and I believe, that my son is a vegan at heart. I am a vegan and have been for 19 years. I know children don’t need meat or dairy. Martin was a vegan until we started his special diet for autism recovery. It is only his very special gut needs at this time (mitochondrial processing, inability to metabolize fatty acids, unusual protein requirements) that have me feeding him animal products. When we are through this difficult time of recovery, I will do my best to effect “recovery” in another sense—his return to veganism.
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